The Cyber Kazbá

When someone gets married it is no doubt that it's a life changing experience. That one ceremony symbolizes and realizes the lives of two people becoming one. A name change occurs, addresses change, tax brackets are adjusted, bank accounts are joined and even new family members are acquired. It's a lot to take in in just one day!

In this sense, marriage changes everything. You have a new legal status, spiritual status, relationship status, financial status, social status and in some cases a new citizenship/visa status. With all of these external changes in some one's life going on almost simultaneously its a wonder how we handle it.

Like the title of this post suggests, marriage changes everything. But, on the other hand, marriage doesn't change anything. Here is what I mean by this: Although there are a lot of external changes that happen in your life when you get married, internal changes don't occur in the same way.

This can be a really good thing and a really bad thing at once. It means that when you get married you are marrying the same person today as they were yesterday and as they will be tomorrow. This is a good thing, at least it should be. You fell in love with that person and one would hope that such drastic changes don't occur overnight so that they wake-up to be someone completely different the morning after the ceremony.

The nature of the relationship shouldn't change all that much either. Although it has gone to a far more serious and intimate role, the things that were done prior to marriage shouldn't stop once you are married.

I think for men this is really important to remember. Often times we men go into marriage thinking of it as a licence to let loose. "Well, I've won my prize, now I can just sit back on the couch, unbutton my pants and relax for the rest of my life." Though we don't necessarily think this way literally (though some do!) we think this way relationally. We no longer feel the need to woo or impress our wives because we already have and she is already wooed! Truth is, a woman's heart is in constant need of being wooed. Just because you're her husband doesn't automatically mean you've won it over today. Before we got married, us men, pulled out all the right moves to catch the attention and love of our girls. Why does it seem to change after the wedding? Go on dates, buy her flowers, wear cologne, take a shower and kiss her a lot! That's a start at least.

On the flip side sometimes we want change to occur but it just doesn't happen. Often times for men they think that being married will "make them into a man." This isn't true. If you're a boy on the day before the ceremony, no matter how much magic the pastor can muster, you'll be a boy the next day. What is manhood? I believe that will be a topic for another post...

But let me continue this thought a bit more. Some of us go into marriage carrying baggage of past hurts or past sins (or continuing sins) and we think that getting married will bury all of this. This also isn't necessarily true either. The sin you struggle with before you get married will still be there after you get married. One sin that you may not even know you had was selfishness, if anything this sin gets magnified after marriage.

Also, people often hope for a change in their mates. Let me recall a classical line I heard someone say, "If you want to alter her, don't bring her to the altar." The altar doesn't change the person, and if you're hoping it will, you will be in for a big surprise. In this sense marriage changes nothing.

The changes I have experienced in my marriage thus far have been good. I told my wife, it's like waking up every morning to Christmas! Right next to me is the most beautiful present I will ever get! I still have to work hard to maintain focus and try to impress my wife, too often I get lazy at this... I am glad that there hasn't been any really drastic change in my wife. I married her for who she is, and to me she's beautiful.